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I know it will pass.

I know a day only has twenty-four hours. Eventually, tonight becomes tomorrow. I’ll wake up, do my work, answer whatever needs answering, and get through another day. I’ve done it enough times. When someone tells me “this too shall pass,” I never quite know what to say. I understand what they mean. I’ve probably said it to myself more times than they have.

I just wish they would ask what happens to me while I’m waiting.

Because something hits you and leaves a dent. Sometimes you barely notice it at first. You carry on because there are things to do, and sitting there feeling everything would take time you don’t seem to have. Then, much later, something small happens. My reaction feels too big for the situation, and I have to sit with that for a while. Why did that bother me so much? Why am I thinking about this again? I thought I was done with it.

Apparently, some part of me is still there.

That’s where “no pain, no gain” starts to piss me off.

I can tolerate a lot of bullshit. I’ve had practice. Sometimes I’m so used to getting through it that I barely ask myself how I’m doing anymore. As long as I can keep going, I assume I can take it.

I’m starting to wonder how much that assumption has cost me.

And the gain? I don’t always know where it is. Maybe I learned something. Maybe I handle certain things better now. I can acknowledge that and still wish none of it had happened. Whatever I got out of it doesn’t automatically make the pain feel justified.

There are things I would give the lesson back for.

Maybe some people really can let all of this go. I wonder what that feels like. I keep thinking I’ve managed it, then find myself carrying the same thing into another ordinary day. I’m tired of feeling like I have to explain what it taught me before I’m allowed to admit how much it hurt. Sometimes I went through something painful and came out of it with less of myself. I’ve spent a long time trying to find something useful in that, because otherwise, what was it all for?

I’m beginning to think I might never have a satisfying answer.

Some pain gives you very little to work with. You still have to live with what happened. You still have to get up tomorrow.

For now, I’m trying to pay attention when something hurts, even if I can tolerate it. I’ve asked myself to keep going for so long.

I think I owe myself a little more than that.